The Failure Of My Life


3 years ago, I had a very successful (relative) business that I ran, that allowed for a comfortable life. It seemed that money and time were in abundant supply, and I could run my business from anywhere in the world with a laptop and internet connection.

However, what I noticed was that my heart was being pulled in a dramatically different direction. A direction that scared me, and yet at the same time felt like the most sincere thing to do. I was being asked to surrender my future and move into sharing full time. On the surface, it has been a disaster. Internally, I cry with joy for what I continue to see even though my external life appeared to be falling apart.

1 week before I left for Europe, I found myself in financial ruin. So much so, that for the past 2 months I sincerely didn’t know how it was all going to work out. My business had failed due to the focus I was giving to sharing, I had to give back two vehicles to the bank because I could no longer afford them, and my emotional experience was in chaos due to many personal life aspects that seemed to be in disarray.

Before leaving (for Europe), I officially shut down my business and decided to trust completely that my heart & life were in sync, and that sharing love in the form that I do, was the most important thing. I sold many things, moved out of my house which I could no longer afford, and apologized to many that I couldn’t show up in the way they wanted me to. I had to do this. I had to let go, and trust. If not, I would die from ignoring the breath that allows me to be here.

The failure, was what I needed in order to let go. I had to see, even more deeply, that all I can trust, is the truth I know in my heart. Again, and again, Life shows me the real beauty of being alive; the real value in being here, in life. This is all I want, to see what is real.

I am simply watching all of this unfold, while allowing the human experience to flow unrestricted. Only being asked, to move in the most sincere way I can.

There has never been a real problem, even in the collapse of everything I thought I had, the only problem, was a fear that it might not work out… in the future. However in the present moment of now, all was and is, working out perfectly.

I have been sharing insight and wisdom for about 8 years now, 7 of those years were on a very small scale. It was only in the past 12 months that the audience has started to grow rapidly, and I saw the real potential of actually doing this full time. I’ve been sharing all these years, ultimately not because I wanted something out of it, but because it was the only thing that made sense to me. It was sharing beauty, for the sake of beauty.

Now, sitting in a cafe in Amsterdam, I find that I am still joyfully clueless as to how this will unfold. Even from a business sense, which I continue to lose interest in, I don’t know how to do it. I’ve tried different things, but ultimately losing interesting in the “trying” of it. It’s all been for play, to see where the joy was, to see where the sincere direction was. Again, coming back to the laughable reality that this isn’t up to me, this is Life moving, not a person who is separate from life.

This Europe tour, was not my personal creation, it was a spontaneous happening sprung from an invitation that I did not reach out for. It was life giving back, as an opportunity to keep doing what I love. How could I say no?

Thank you for being, so that this love might have somewhere to flow. In the most sincere way, if it wasn’t for you, I would not be here doing what I love.

Empty and willing, I will continue to follow the call of this Heart, and share about the beauty we all, already are.