No, I don’t forgive you.
However, I would like to say -thank you.
Even though there was a short time where I believed you hurt me, where I felt destroyed by what I thought were your actions, I’ve come to see these circumstances with renewed and joyful eyes.
It’s like I woke up from a dream; and said… “Oh, that didn’t really happen, lol”
You didn’t hurt me. My hurt, my pain, my suffering, was caused through believing the dream. A dream that said your actions were about me. In my dream I saw how I took it all so personally, and distorted everything I saw through the filter of a self who was scared to lose what was being held on to.
I don’t forgive you as I saw your sincere confusion about your own path, as trying to manipulate my path. I saw your sincere fear of tomorrow, as trying to destroy my future. I saw your sincerity, as a threat to what I held onto. I see that now, I see how I made it about me, and it wasn’t about me at all. It’s kind of funny; I called you selfish and now, it seems that being mad at you or blaming you, is the selfishness I see.
It’s like saying, I need you to be a certain way in order for me to feel secure. I need you to want me, in order for me to feel whole. “I need you”, is being selfish. In that space of needing you, I wasn’t able to hear you, all I heard were threats towards what I wanted.
Why was I doing that? Because I was afraid, and when it was over, and you were gone, I still felt afraid. Pushing you away, didn’t end the fear. What ended the fear, honestly, was seeing how perfect you are.
I see now your perfection. I see that my argument with you was an argument with me. An argument that said… “you should be able to give me what you can never give me.” I wanted my image of you to protect my image of me. You are not an image, you are you.
You are doing the best you can, with what you have. You are learning. Guess what? So am I. I am learning that I don’t need others to match images of perfection, because the image will never be real. What is real, is that we are all okay. And what hurts most in life, is not what others do or don’t do, but it is in the painful stories we hold onto that say who we are is now broken. It is only our imagined self
that is broken, however the realness of what I am, shines brighter than before. …if I’m willing to let go of the dream.
I don’t forgive you. But what I’m trying to say… is thank you. Thank you for being you, and not denying yourself of yourself. Thank you, for being.
Also, I’m sorry for judging you. I’m sorry for needing you in a way, that attempted to imprison you, and then blamed you for trying to escape. It’s all so silly, and it’s all such a beautiful lesson that guides us home.
I don’t forgive you. But thank you, I love you.
Cheers, to the beauty we all already are.